Circumcision

Well, I had the displeasure of taking my son to have him circumcised yesterday. It was frankly one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. My wife was going to take the reigns and take care of that, but she is dealing with some medical issues (to be mentioned at a later time) that made it nearly impossible for her to handle it, so I took him.

I have no recollection of my circumcision, and I am eternally grateful for that fact. When we arrived at the doctor's office, I thought I would be cool, and was resolved to stay and provide moral support to my little guy who was about to have a piece of his winky removed. I was infinitely more nervous than he was, I am sure, but he kept looking at me as if to say "Dude...you look queasy...what is going on here?"

The doctor came in to visit the little guy, and when she removed his diaper to examine the soon to be executed, she gasped and took a step back as she marveled at the gift God has given my son. (No proxy suggested) She peeled the appendage from my son's left leg and looked me square in the eye and said "this is going to be EASY".

She then exited to get her "circumcision kit", and I sat and chatted with my little guy while she was gone. I said things like: "Dude, I'm sorry"..."Please don't be mad at me"...and "This is about as bad as it gets." He just laughed and laughed at my tone. Then the doctor returned with her torture...erm...circumcision kit.

She strapped my son's legs down and again exposed his willy. She then took a hypodermic...oh God...and pointed it at my son's penis. I cringed and brought my hands over my face. When I opened my eyes, this woman had a syringe buried in my son's penis. Now, I was present for my wife's C-Section...I have performed CPR on TWO people who did not survive. I even had one of those people VOMIT IN MY MOUTH, but I have NEVER been that queasy.

I took a couple of deep breaths as my son screamed bloody murder with a needle buried in his wang...and then settled in. Again, I thought I was cool.

"He's numb now," the doctor said.

She then pulled out this oversized paper towel with a winky sized hole cut out of the middle and covered up everything but my son's face and willy. When she pulled out this terrifying clamp and deftly approached my son's now bleeding and iodine covered penis, I again cringed. Before I had any clue what was happening, I hopped up with a speed that suggested that someone had just pinched my ample rear and burned out of the room like it was on fire.

"I'm done! Let me know when you're finished!" I shouted at the people behind me as I blasted through the front door of the clinic.

A few minutes later, the nurse came outside and said "He's done!"

I went to see him and he was completely cool. Apparently the anesthetic had worked its charm and he was feeling no pain...but OH MY GOD...I could barely look the little guy in the eye. I felt like I had betrayed him in some way.

I had never felt more relief than when he looked at me and smiled even as the doctor showed me his now circumcised penis which was red, bloated, and covered in blood and iodine...ugh...

Well, the doctor wrapped up and told me I could get him dressed after giving me instructions for caring for the "wound".

The table on which I was dressing my son to leave was about waist level, and in a fit of what I can only imagine was retaliation, my son thrust kicked his foot forward so hard into my crotch that it actually took me to a knee.

I couldn't even be mad at him. I just knelt there holding my crotch for a moment, and in a labored voice said to my son: "Okay, I guess I deserved that."

What a day.